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I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Not to brag but my new mistress is a lingerie model. OK, fine. A mannequin. But she doesn`t talk much and I like that.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re two ahead of most people.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
I wish I was a jedi, but mostly just so I didn`t have to bend over to pick up dog poop.
Next time you fill out a job application and it asks about military service, it is best not to mention that you`ve gone Commando a few times in your life.
If being an a$$hole was a professional sport, my face would be on a box of wheaties.
Dear Tequila, you were supposed to make me funnier, smarter and a better dancer. I saw the video, we need to talk.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah`s ark.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(