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The best nicknames are the ones you don’t even know you have.
Fish must be excellent drivers. Very rarely do you hear about fish getting into car accidents.
Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
The average person farts 14 times a day. Finally, I`m above average at something!!
Being `clean and sober` means I`ve showered and I`m headed to the liquor store.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
Waiter: Would u like ur coffee black sir? Me: What other colors do u have?
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
I`m just going to put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Checking the time on your phone twice because you were`nt paying attention the first time
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
The guest of honour was a bit subdued. The Keyboardist was playing too softly for my liking. But it was a good turnout, lots of food and laughter. But break out into one choreographed `Thriller` dance routine and the crowd goes all apesh!t and tosses you out of the funeral home.
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
They say that alcohol kills slowly. So what! Who wants to be in a hurry?!?
If cats could text you back, they wouldn`t.