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I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
Dumped my multiple personality girlfriend yesterday. She took it well, not so well, and she was really upset...
Doing word problems as a kid has helped me in adulthood. "Dan doesn`t have enough money for his bills, how long before he is homeless?"
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
Never underestimate a girl’s ability to find things out.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
I need my coffee before I start pretending to work.
A lot of guys get married just because they`re hungry.
This morning someone threw Skittles at me and said "Taste the Rainbow", I ran them over with my car and sang,"Nationwide is on your side"
I just ate some generic Frosted Flakes.... They"rrrrreeee alright.
I only party on 2 occasions. 1. When it’s my birthday 2. When it’s not…