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When girls wear yoga pants I feel like a ghost from Mario. Uncontrollably attracted when they turn away, but frozen when they look at me.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
My mom wanted to talk to me about my maturity today, but she didn`t know the password to my secret fort.
I`m not totally useless. I can be used as a bad example.
Coffee, you`re on the bench ... Alcohol suit up!!
Alex, I`ll take WTF for a $1000
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
Hey bartender, pour me another, I see ugly people.
You always remember your first Crush. Mine was Orange.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Why does using a straw make it so much harder to admit there’s no more soda?
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
Do short people start their childhood stories with "when I was little", too?
every woman iz beautuful n her unique way, smtimz it needs sm amount of alcohol to see with