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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
Helpful Tip: A ceiling fan won`t cut a bagel in half ... Not even on top speed
How can we call ourselves "evolved" when signs are needed to remind people to wash their hands after they go to the bathroom
I bet aliens would visit us more if Will Smith didn`t punch them in the head as soon as they got here.
Just saw a group of kids trying to put another kid into a dumpster, I had to step in, They couldn`t even lift him, We high-fived & laughed
Just bought me a medical alert bracelet that says... "probably just sh!tfaced"
Regardless of how much time you think you waste, just know that someone created a very detailed Wikipedia page for Grumpy Cat.
That awkward moment when u start telling a story only to realise no one is listening so you slowly fade out and pretend to have said nothing.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I`m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
My ex-girlfriend said she broke up with me because I was childish and immature. I think it`s because she`s a big dumb stinky head that`s jealous of my awesome Transformers collection.
If you have to tell us that you`ve been going to the gym, you probably need to go more often....