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Sometimes I wrestle with my inner demons. Other times, we just hug.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
Turns out fantasy football is nothing like I thought it would be. Anyone interested in a naughty quarterback outfit? Serious inquiries only.
200 pictures of you at the bar and 2 pictures with your kids. You must be quite the mom.
My wife said we could have a three way "when pigs fly" so I showed her a police helicopter.
Wife: I wish we could have sex like we used to... Husband: Do you mean with other people?
The most effective way to torture young people is to make them watch old people use a computer.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
Yes, my attitude could stand some improvement but my insurance does not cover those meds.
If zombies attack the world, everyone will run and hide. Except for us gamers, of course. We`ve been waiting for this all our lives!
Gravity didn`t seem this strong twenty-five years ago.
How long does it take to get obsessed?
wishes that more people would declare thumb wars these days. I`m sure that all this texting has prepared my thumb muscles for battle.
"I can`t wait for New Years to be over!" -my liver