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There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
I`m still waiting for that fairly tale scene where the animals clean everything for me.
MISSED CONNECTION: I gave you the Heimlich maneuver on Maine St. You insisted you weren’t choking and put up a good fight.
just taught my kids about taxes by eating 38% of their ice cream
Hey Ladies..Prince charming is Gay and living with Mr. Right
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
I think I just discovered Newton’s third law of Emotion: ..... "For every male action, there is an equal and opposite female overreaction."
When I text someone and they dont text me back, I automatically assume that they fainted from overexcitement.
Funny word combinations :Clearly misunderstood, Exact estimate, Small crowd, Act naturally, Found missing, Fully empty and above all ... Happily Married
My wife told me I suffer from a lack of imagination. I said, "Yeah? Well you suffer from a lack of imagination." That showed her.
Buying my wife a matching belt and bag for her birthday. We`ll have that vacuum cleaner working in no time.
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says "welcome"...
Tarantulas are like cigarettes. They are pretty much harmless, until you put them in your mouth and light them on fire.