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According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low...Well, sure, it`s hard to steal a car when the owner`s living in it...
So another day has come and gone and I still haven`t used algebra.
PRO TIP: You can use crunchy food to block out conversations of people you hate.
Someone`s gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves.
Mashed potatoes really beg the question: “what else could we massively improve by squashing the hell out of it?”
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
I can`t really walk the walk, or talk the talk. But, if you need someone to drink the drink, I`m your man!
When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
Whenever you can`t think of anything to say in therapy just go with, "I`ve been thinking about killing you."
I swear July only lasted like 3 minutes
Just finished building Rome with Legos. Took me a day.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
Men use love to get sex. Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.