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(For women only) Wants to go on the Maury Povich show and hear, "You are NOT the mother!"
My wife and I decided to make our own sex tape. She was pissed off when I started holding auditions for her part.
Why is it called when animals attack? It should be called when retarded people go near dangerous animals.
Why doesn’t a deli slicer just have a scale on it?
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box? What else could possibly be in there???
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
Dear future husband, here’s a few things you need to know If you want to be my one and only all my life. I will not be an ex wife .. only a widow
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
awkward moment when the dentist is talking to you with his hands on your mouth
I just want to point out that I am an Amazon Prime member so it`s about time you guys started treating me with a little respect.
True love is biting a slice of pizza when you`re fully aware that it will burn the roof of your mouth.
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.