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Nothing says “I hate you” like giving someone’s child a drum set.
I can totally relate to cranky elderly people. I mean you can only be nice for so long!
You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how`s your day going?
Man what a day. I pulled my groin...for like 20 minutes.
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
99 Days Facebook Free? Big deal! In 1999 I went a whole year without Facebook.
Good neighbors do not put password on their wi-fi.
I put the “Pro” in Procrastinate.
All I need right now is a hug ... And five hundred thousand dollars in cash.