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Looking for one night stand! Probably need two! I have a lot of books
My kids keep bugging me about dinner even after I told them I already ate...
"I have almost $67 in the bank!" sounded a lot more impressive when I was 12.
Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
If you say "I slept like a baby" in front of me, I`ll ALWAYS assume you woke up every 2 hours, pissed yourself and cried for your mommy.
Some of us learn from the mistakes of others; the rest of us have to be the others.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
If you ever feel like a failure, just know that somewhere in the world, someone just lost their straw inside a Capri Sun.
Just ONCE I`d like someone to call me "sir" without adding "this is a place of business, please put your pants back on."
Last night a movie theatre was robbed of $1000. The thieves took one large bag of popcorn, a combo meal, and a box of milk duds.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
"Wow! That Lean Cuisine really filled me up!" ... said no one, ever.
If I were the guy who made the Where`s Waldo books I would have totally made a page where Waldo wasn`t there