Daily Silly Status

Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

Just found out that I’m 53 Cheetos tall.

If you are noticing this notice, you will have noticed this notice is not worth noticing

“Are you completely sure this isn’t textable?” -the perfect voicemail prompt.

Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."

I`d do anything to lose 20lbs. Well, except for eating healthy or working out.

I wish the buck stopped here…I could use a few.

Here’s a little bit of advice for you.. advi

I just had a call from a Charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people throughout the world. I told them to F off!! Anybody who fits into my clothes isn`t starving!!

I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped and shattered my phone

Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect

Turns out a crash diet doesn`t mean having vodka with every meal and falling down the stairs!

The plans I make after work are in direct proportion to how much charge I have left in my phone battery.

Getting a text from someone when I`m trying to Facebook is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.

Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.