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The best revenge is happiness, because nothing drives people more crazy then seeing someone actually having a good life.
Doing nothing is very hard to do, you never know when your finished.
The voices in my head tell me not to listen to the voices in my head, and now I don`t know who to listen to anymore
Why is it that everyone you hate has such a better job than you?
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
"Dancing with the Stars" is being canceled, but tune in to a new reality show by the same creators called, "Athletes do your Taxes."
My parents say its their house, but when its time to clean it magically becomes my house too.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
I wonder what I did in a previous life to get reincarnated as me...
Guys are like bears, if you lay very still they’ll paw at you a bit then give up and go look for food.
I solve all my problems by creating three new ones as distractions.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes. But we all know I`m hilarious.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I made you a cake. I also ate it for you.
Divorce is what happens when two people win an argument.