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To be truthful from deep down ... I don`t believe that paper beats rock.
Racism, sexism and homophobia make no sense when there are so many perfectly good stupid people to hate.
If you are naughty go to your room, if you wanna be naughty go to mine :)
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
Guuuyyyysssss, never ever play leapfrog with a unicorn.... Its not worth it.....
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
Listening to the voices in my head, I’ve concluded that they’re having more fun than me.
I`m no cactus expert, but I know a pr!ck when I see one
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
My girlfriend told me she wanted me to surprise her with a gift that will take her breath away. I’m thinking about getting her a treadmill.
They say money doesn`t bring you happiness.... I say....neither does being broke....
My Son: The marriage vows say "tell death do us part", so we are not married in heaven ? Me: That`s right son, cause if we were still married, we`d be in hell.