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I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
When I was young I could climb mountains, these days I have to steady myself to fart.
A coworker wouldn`t stop bragging about her upcoming trip to Hawaii, so I emailed her a bunch of pictures of plane crashes.
You call it "Road Rage". I call it "Aggressively maneuvering around a$$holes that don`t know how to f*cking drive."
Hating people takes too much energy. I just pretend they`re dead
I hate it when people pour my cereal. They don`t know how much I want. They don`t know my life. They don`t know what I`ve been through.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
Be careful on how tough you are on your kids....Strict parents create sneaky children.
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
Nobody looks back on their life and remembers the nights they had plenty of sleep.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.
Cop: Sir what is in the bottle next to you? Man: It`s water *hands the cop the bottle* Cop: Sir, this is wine. Man: Jesus did it again!
A book fell on my head, I can only blame my shelf.
Jogging with a stroller is great exercise! And hard work for whoever is pushing me.