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I am so thankful there is no alert that tells someone how many times I have enlarged their profile pics.
"I can`t wait to nail you later" *whispers to the new picture I just bought*
45 minutes on the treadmill is no big deal if you don`t turn it on
Admit it...Life yould be boring without me.
Who`s this "moderation" people keep telling me to drink with?
A good lawyer knows the law ... A great lawyer knows the judge.
My wife said if this gets 100 likes, we`ll try butt stuff........ * Please DON`T like,,, her strap-on is big and scary.....
My wife told me: "Sex is better on vacation." That wasn`t a very nice postcard to receive.
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
The heart wants what the heart wants. *opens 12th beer*
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
My last relationship was almost as complicated as the knot my pocket created with my headphones.
Scientists say the universe is made up of protons, neutrons and electrons. They forgot to mention Morons!