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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
It`s tough being a people person when you can`t stand most people.
When I grow up I´d like to be a "Retired Lottery Winner."
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
??q? uo p??oq??? ? ?nq i ??i? ?s?? ??? si si??
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
For some reason, I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why!
I`m thinking about remodeling my bathroom and thanks to all your selfies I`m getting some great ideas!!.....
The parents with the ugliest babies take and post the most pictures.
I always found it a little counter productive when the teacher would say "Don`t get smart with me!"
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.