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have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
When someone ask me... How are you?... I answer back... You mean in bed?
The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
How to get laid: 1)Lay on bed... Wait 1 hour until lay becomes past tense
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
Time to clean the house. Good thing I took that delegation class at work and I have 2 kids. This is going to be fun
When you`re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.
If you`re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don`t google `old man bond age`
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane`s dog & she was like, "I`ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?"