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If I had a time machine, I’d probably just use it so I wouldn’t have to throw out so many bananas.
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
The worst part about calling in for a sick day is the pressure of knowing you only have one shot to do the “I’m sick” voice.
My fantasy is having two men at once. One cooking. One cleaning.
im like the government: i spend money on things that aren`t important, and spend most of my time trying to explain to people why i need them.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
My dog is a typical guy, I talk to him and he’s all wagging his tail, but I know he’s not listening. I get it ladies.
If you died and went to he!l, how long will it take you to realise that you aren`t still at work?
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
Within 2 minutes, I can gather enough things to allow me to sit and watch tv without getting up for at least 4 hours... Don`t question my laziness
College is the only time in which being poor and drunk is acceptable.
I want a man who loves me for my personality. Is it really to much to ask, I mean I do have several to pick from.