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I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
Nothing like responsibility to ruin a perfectly good day.
So my friend is mad at me because I slept with her ex. Her instructions were very clear when they broke up, she said "F*ck that guy!"
My friend told me that bigamy was having one wife to many. I thought that was called monogamy.
I`m as conflicted as a strip club addict with a glitter allergy.
If money can`t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
My kitchen is actually nothing more than a fruit hospice
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
If someone says they`ll always be there for you...make sure you find out exactly where "there" is.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
As far as Im concerned, you are not my concern.
I wish my bank account refilled as fast as my laundry basket.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.