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A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
I love hearing rumors about me...that`s how I find out what I`ve been doing.
I beat my chess opponent in less than five moves with the chair I was sitting on!
Somehow the talk went a little wrong with my 7 year old and now he`s convinced that birds have sex with bees and now he won`t eat honey.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
My buddy asked me the other night if he could crash on my couch. I had to explain to him that I`m married now and that`s where I sleep.
Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.
I`m placing myself in "time-out" until I`m able to play nice with others! This may take a few hours as there are stupid people everywhere!
The zoo basically has two modes. 1. Lazy sleepy animals. 2. Hard core porn
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
If a woman is talking to me about her problems, I better be the cause of them.
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
The hardest part about a Zombie Apocalypse is pretending Iām not excited.
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing