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I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
If we learned anything from the Mayans, it’s that if you don’t finish something, it’s not the end of the world
I was just awarded the first place trophy for laziness. All I need now is for someone to accept it on my behalf.
Better ingredients. Better pizza. Horrible acting. Papa Johns.
I`m not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won`t eat you. If that doesn`t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it`s cause I`m afraid she might try to poison me.
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
Walmart: Because where else in the world can you pay $50 to have your oil changed by someone with a GED, find a sized 46H bra, or run the risk of being filmed live on location with the men and women of law enforcement on your way out the door.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Ummm,, Can we just admit we may have taken this anybody can grow up to be President thing a bit too far.
When setting the table, does the remote go to the left or the right of the dinner plate?
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Keep up the good work, people who make free porn available.