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You know your ugly when the dog has to close his eyes to hump your leg
Saw a billboard ad for potato chips that proudly claimed "There`s a lot of pride in every bag!" Hmmm...is "pride" another word for "air"?
You know you`re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature`s.
I should never have climbed into this vat of curdled milk. I`m in whey over my head.
Bike helmets only protect you from looking cool.
My dog doesn`t always bark like there`s an intruder in the house, but when he does he waits until I`m home alone and in the shower.
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
HR and I apparently disagree on what "debriefed" means.
I`m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Women are so silly sometimes, thinking men actually care if they fake it.
heyy lol
I find the best way to get rid of headaches is to send them either to their rooms or outside to play.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
The hardest part of parenting is standing idly by while your children build a mediocre couch fort.
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.