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I don’t want to sound racist, but all stormtroopers look the same to me.
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
I hate it when I`m in a crowded elevator and yell out "GROUP HUG!" and people look at me all weird and stuff.. Making friends is hard.
I am so thankful for all the people that aren`t in my life.
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. At least for the pictures...
In a thousand years, archeologists will dig up tanning beds and think we fried people as punishment.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
According to national reports, car thefts in the US are now at a 20 year low…Well, sure, it’s hard to steal a car when the owner’s living in it…
Two drunk guys driving down the road, One says to the other "We must be getting closer to town!" The other guys says, "How can you tell?" He says "Were hitting more frickin people."
Im afraid to go outside or even sit next to a window during an lightening storm. Im afraid that I`ll get zapped! I`m scared that God is gonna get me!!!
Car commercials make driving around in empty parking structures look fun and normal and not suspicious or kidnappy.
Forecast for tonight: Alcohol, low standards, and poor decisions.
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
I`m broker than the Tooth Fairy in a house full of Meth addicts.
At my age, my biggest fantasy is to sleep through the night without having to pee every two hours.