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A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
“I went to Jared” I whispered as she slowly opened the velvety box of Subway coupons.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life.
There’s literally no way to know how many chameleons are in your house.
Anyone want to come over and watch porn on my new flat screen mirrior?
If your dog loves hanging his head out the window of the car as you are driving, but growls when you blow in his face, you may need a breath mint.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
Isn`t it weird when a cop drives by you feel paranoid instead of protected.
SAFETY TIP: Lock your doors and windows before bed. By the way, I love what you`ve done with the place.
All I want for Christmas is for these calories to not count.
I danced like no one was watching but someone was watching, thought I was having a seizure and called an ambulance
My dance moves are somewhere between “dog being shocked by an electric fence” and “squirrel crossing the road.”
If someone invites you to their wedding, it`s apparently bad form to say "Sorry I can`t make it but I`ll come to your next one".