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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
If people are what they eat, some people must eat a lot of stupid.
People who go jogging, you realise we have cars now, right?
"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
The pollen is so bad this year that the people in the trailer parks are turning their crystal meth back into Sudafed.
I hate waking up all hungover, eyebrow shaved, and a d!ck drawn on my face ... Especially since I was drinking alone last night.
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
Sometimes entire relationships can only be described as "that weird thing I did for a while."
Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity........thats how rich I want to be.
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Never underestimate a woman’s ability to make anything your fault.
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
I ordered a new GPS unit, but it got lost in the mail.
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.