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I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
Black Friday, because after a day of thankfully stuffing your face, you deserve a deal on purchases you don’t need.
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
God made men. But sandwiches weren`t going to make themselves. So God made women.
I was going to exercise this morning, but then all the sprinkles would fall off my cupcake.
Sometimes I sit and wonder what the world would be like if I wasn`t awesome ... That would be scary.
Jack and Jill Went up the hill To have a little fun. Jill, the dill, Forgot her pill, And now they have a son.
It`s normally a combination of things that cause bad decisions. The tequila, lime, salt combination is the most common.
The best thing about having male genitals is sharing it with people who don`t.
If ANY of my posts have made even one person’s day better, then there’s something seriously wrong with that person
If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.
Learn to fight like you`re the third monkey trying to get on the Ark!
Hey NSA... I accidentally deleted an email... Can I get you to forward me your copy?
LIFE HACK: Sneak into doctor`s waiting rooms instead of subscribing to magazines.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.