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"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement. -Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90`s TV
Just saw Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunter... So that`s how it happened! I knew what I learned in history class was a bunch of crap!
I could write an entire book on excuses... but I have to drop my dog off at the airport.
I hate when I wake up in the middle of the night to get a quick drink of water and then accidentally eat a whole pizza and a cheesecake
Girl:How do u feel? Boy:With your hands
I don`t let my friends do stupid things... ALONE
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
Hi you`ve reached my voicemail,,, Please leave your name, number and a damn good reason why this conversation couldn`t be done over text
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues. ... and dates.
I don`t want to brag, but I`m single-handedly responsible for 86% of the rules in the Employee Handbook at work.
Back before Walmart, you used to have to buy a ticket to see a bearded woman.