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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Boss: Are you on drugs? Me: You and I both know I don`t make enough money to have a drug problem
I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
I`m going to test my theory that tequila kills the flu... Or brain cells... Whatever, doesn`t matter... something`s gonna die tonight.
The only thing worse than "the one that got away" is the one that won`t go away.
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
I`ve written my own book called 50 Shades of Gravy. It`s very saucy. :D
Okay, If we get caught here’s the story…
Had a super busy day today converting oxygen into carbon dioxide.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
The only beachfront property I`ll ever be able to afford is a sandcastle.
I know I don`t look like it but I`m really good looking!
I like to skip when I`m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
I think girls secretly enjoy putting guys in the friend zone