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Big shoutout to whoever decided the ? and ! should be next to each other on an iPhone. That typo hasn’t made me look insane 10,000 times.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Kids today don`t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.
Saw a woman crying as she was buying tampons last night. ..Must be going through a tough period in her life.
Never let your printer know you`re in a rush, those bastards smell fear
Updating my status in the car. Don’t worry, I’m in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
Me: My bed is so warm and cosy. I never want to leave. Bladder: AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
My brain has too many tabs open.
Helpful Tip: Use a tortilla as a lap napkin so you can still eat all the food you spill
I find if you sprinkle some bacon bits on a salad, but don’t actually add any salad, then its a pretty good salad.
If booze isn`t the answer, then your question sucks.
Whenever I think of a funny status I always get a pen and write it down so I can use it later, and if the pen is too far away I just convince myself that it wasn’t that funny anyway.