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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Does this status update make me look fat?
The first rule of selfie club should be to clean your room.
When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
I missed that one episode of The Walking Dead where they show us how the zombies keep everyone`s lawns so freshly mowed.
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
To clear a pop-up ad online, I was just forced to agree that "I don`t care about being healthy and smelling clean."
List of things I’ve accomplished today: 1. Accomplishments List
I sent that "Ancestry " site some information on my family tree. They sent me back a packet of seeds and suggested that I just start over
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Those who tell you not to run with scissors are just trying to steal your scissors. Run.
How can they have a Facebook group called Facebookers Anonymous? That`s like trying to hold a successful AA meeting in a bar.
That moment when being uncool, is cool
People ask me why I don`t have tattoos. Seriously, would you put a bumper sticker on a Lambourghini?
I carry a knife, but it`s just in case of cake.