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Boobs: because you can`t suck on a girls personality
Life isn`t a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, chances are you are going to walk home barefoot.
Hearing jokes is always 100 times funnier when you have water in your mouth.
Getting stuff out of my refrigerator is like playing Jenga.
Here hold my dignity, I`ve got some sketchy shit to do.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
Another tragedy today in the music industry.....Justin Beiber was just found alive in his apartment. :(
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
If she burns the bacon, she`s no good bro
So who the heck ever buys the middle grade of gasoline?
Reaching under the couch for something is the closest I’ll ever get to yoga.
You can’t run from your problems forever. Eventually, you’ll have to take a car or a plane to really avoid them.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than "he sees how creepy u are, that`s why he doesn`t want to shake your hand".