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Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
I knew you were coming so I baked a cake ... It was delicious.
My tricks aren`t for kids.
I should start carrying a pool noodle in my car and randomly smack cars when stuck in traffic
If my father taught me one thing, it was probably how to take both hands off the wheel to sarcastically applaud people in traffic.
So, when people say "LOLZ", does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
I just assume that when a restaurant automatically adds 15% to the bill for a tip that the service is going to suck.
Iām convinced that the employees of McDonalds were just customers who could pay and are working off their bills.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
The guy behind me honked a nanosecond after the light turned green. So I put on my flashers and here I sit, tweeting about the whole thing
A date with Destiny.. Cause strippers need lovin` too.
You actually are not the stupidest person on the planet. But if he were to die...
What is this World Cup and can I drink from it?