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Having a contest with my couch and my washing machine to see who has more money. So far I`m in 3rd.
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
If Candy Crush had a face, I`d punch it.
“Knock him out.” – Mama
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
This status is mine....I licked it.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night. In my defense I didn’t even know I was driving.
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
Three words to ruin a woman`s ego. "I can`t tell."
"Goodbye, everyone. I`ll remember you all in therapy." -Me, leaving a family reunion.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
I`m glad the Eclipse is over so I can go back to staring directly into the sun.
You haven’t truly won an argument until the other person says “whatever.”
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?