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Just dropped part of a cookie into my printer, so I hit "copy"
Life would be a lot easier if employers accepted excuses like “I’m sorry I can’t come into work today, I’m sleepy”
A lot of conflict in the Wild West could have been avoided, if they had built their towns big enough for another person
I hate the snow so much, I want to build a snowman just so I can punch it in its face.
Picking and choosing who to say happy birthday to since 2006, thanks Facebook!
Roses are red! violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Snot.
Bored? Find group photo of 4 women. Comment "You 3 look incredible!!"
"I wish people would start doing ice bucket challenges again" - said no one ever!
If you`re married and having trouble, ask "what would Jesus do?" then remember that jesus was never married.
No, I don`t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
The next person that tells me I have no shame…probably knows me pretty darn well.
If you give up smoking, drinking, and sex, you don’t live longer, just seems longer.
Ladies, stop looking for a guy to sweep you off your feet. Sweeping is your job
Everyone hates performance enhancing drugs. Yet, everyone loves Captain America.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.