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Scientists uncovered the part of the male brain responsible for pissing off women. It’s next to the part that knows how much roses cost.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
If I had a nickel for every time someone called me OCD I`d have 27 dollars and 15 cents.
I wonder if the Ziploc bag company secretly lobbies to keep marijuana illegal.
I don`t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense ... Like a Bear at mile 3
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
Don`t put off for tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today you can do it again tomorrow.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
My wife’s cooking brings a whole new meaning to.. eat sh!t and die.
Scared some Jehovah`s Witnesses today by going to the door completely naked. I`m not sure what scared them more, me being totally naked or the fact that I knew where they lived.
When I woke up this morning everything in my house had been stolen and replaced with exact replicas... WEIRD..
I AM doing something with my life. It’s called screwing around.
I`ve found a new coping mechanism....................COOKIES!
The real heroes are the people who live within driving distance of their in-laws.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.