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My resume is really just a list of all the things I never want to do again.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but words... words might hurt me deeply, causing great emotional, mental, and psychological damage leading toward a lowered self-esteem and irregular bowel movements.
In actuality, Batman is just a more violent and dark version of Inspector Gadget.
I fail to understand the ‘good’ part of ‘good morning’
Baby gates are parents` way of saying "this area is locked until you’ve gained more experience."
Taking my wife to a wife swapping party tonight… Hoping to get a PS4 in return.
Did you know statistically you`re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a kitchen knife.
My winter wardrobe consists of my summer clothes layered on top of one and other.
Why did they send me to this white room? Do they think I`m crazy? Do they think I`m ...HOLY CRAP THE WALLS ARE FLUFFY!!!
I see subway employees are still having their "how much lettuce can you fit on a sandwich" contest.
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
Never underestimate a woman`s ability to make you feel responsible and guilty for her mistakes.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me...
Hey officer, why did you stop me? Just an hour ago, you said that you never wanted to see me again.