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I think before we vote we should get the politicians drunk. That way they would speak what`s REALLY on their minds.
If you tell someone your Birthday and they automatically know your astrological sign, run as fast as you can away from them.
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
There is a method to my madness....and as soon as I figure out what the hell it is, I’m gonna be friggin’ unstoppable.....
The secret to dancing is to pretend you have a wedgie and you`re trying to get it unstuck without using your hands.
"Everybody freeze!" -December
Now I lay me down to sleep, a bottle of vodka at my feet, if I should die before I wake, tell my friends I drank it straight.
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
Big shoutout to my neighbors, who left their back door open accidentally, when I needed a few things and didn`t want to go to the store...
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
"Please don`t do this." - my voice mail greeting
You’d be amazed how often I’m wrong when people say guess what.
It`s always the darkest before dawn. So if you are going to steal your neighbor`s newspaper that`s the best time to do it.
people say nobody`s perfect..i made nobody!..
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.