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You can always tell the guys that masturbate a lot by looking at their hands. If you look close enough you can see their wedding ring.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
Didn`t ya`ll know awkward moments existed before? Damn, its like the Yolocaust all over again...
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills... I almost responded
Pretty much always 3-5 seconds away from just laying down wherever I am.
Blockbuster sell sweets and ice cream to go with your DVD rental - who the hell wants to rent sweets and ice cream?
I can`t wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!
Wine improves with age. I improve with wine.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
My favorite beer is the 15th one.
Benefits of dating me: 1. You`re the sane one.
I’m having a free beer contest tonight. The 1st person to bring me a case of beer gets to watch me drink it. FOR FREE!