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Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
When I get home the first thing I`m going to do is rip my wife`s panties off. Because they`re too small and the elastic is killing me.
A new study has found that women find it seven times easier to read men’s facial expressions than men have reading women’s. That’s mostly because we’re not looking at their faces ...
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
I am not judging you...I already decided I don`t like you
When you drink alcohol you are just borrowing happiness from tomorrow.
Since 4th of July falls on a Wednesday do we drink the weekend before? the weekend after? That Wednesday? The entire week? The entire month? The entire year?
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
It`s amazing how different the phrases "alcohol free" and "free alcohol" are.
I hope this coffee gives me the energy to look busy all day.
People who cook Hot Pockets in the oven, Where are you getting all this free time?
If you had to choose between your significant other and a million dollars, what`s the first thing you`d buy?
That awkward moment when you are killing it on Mario Kart & then realize you are looking at the wrong side of the screen.
New documentary movie about white trash .... I only saw the trailer ....