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Hey, somebody get ready to wake up the guy in Green Day.
some people just need a hug...around the neck...with a rope!!
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
I’m just going to put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
According to cannibals it only takes one vegetarian to make vegetarian chili.
I made a salad with red wine vinaigrette only I left out the vinegar and the oil and ok it`s just lettuce with wine all over it. Anyhoo, I`m drunk.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
It`s frustrating to know, I`ll never experience the exhilaration of getting to meet me.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.
I have high blood pressure, but my dogs don`t. So, from now on I`m only getting upset about squirrels and mailmen.
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
I’m jealous of a book character for having sex with another character but sure come ask my advice about your marriage.
I don`t make enough money to go on vacation so I`m just going to get drunk this weekend until I don`t know where I am.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.