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Life was much simpler when we could play a friendly game of Red Rover and just clothesline the people we didn’t like.
"You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this" -Guy who invented shovels
This woman is so impressed at my driving that she got next to me just to show me she’s not wearing a ring. Thanks hun, but wrong finger!
I love how when your watching a crime show and they have to tell you that "this is a reenactment" oh really? you mean you didn`t actually catch the murder on video?
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
I wish I was as fat as the first time I thought I was fat.
My online dating profile is just a picture of my ex-wife and the words "NOT THIS."
If anyone lost a roll of hundred dollar bills, with a rubber band around it...... I found the rubber band.
Destiny may decide who touches your Life. Your heart may decide who touches your Soul. But…Tequila decides who touches your body
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain 3.) prisoner of war 4.) homeless person 5.) wizard
Played hide and seek today. I was winning until the cops let the K9 off of the leash.
You`re not unlucky. Bad things happen to you because you`re a dumba$$.
Karma may "work" but I think that bitch takes a lot of days off
"It`s not about who`s right or wrong."~ The person that is wrong