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Why do they always have 5K runs for charity? Just once, couldn’t they have a sit for charity or nap for charity?
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
I’m glad you’re learning to laugh at yourself. That was kind of getting awkward for the rest of us.
"Please don`t put a million dumb photos of me on your Facebook... it just annoys your friends" - Every baby
if you want me to go running with you, I´m going to need some motivation... Like a clown waving a bloody knife and chasing us.
Can someone else be a sex symbol today? ... My good T-shirt is still in the wash...
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
I hate that they put "use by" dates on condoms... like I`m not under enough pressure trying to get laid already.
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Only at McDonald`s do they say, "Sorry about your wait" and actually mean "weight" :P
I can make your gf scream louder than you can. - Spider
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
The hardest things about beginning any new relationship has got to be learning how to fart quietly again.