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I wish the "Do not ask me again" option existed in real life.
*Financial Status* Just rinsed off a paper plate...
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
Well that`s a wrap on another day where I act like I know what I`m doing.
Let’s all take a moment and be thankful spiders can’t fly.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
When I go to someone’s house & they tell me to make myself at home, the first thing I do is throw them out because I don’t like visitors.
I bet the first person that heard a parrot talk really lost their sh!t.
Studies show that people who want tribal tattoos are directly related to living under a rock
Don`t let anyone tell you what you can`t accomplish. That`s what self-doubt is for.
In the interest of improving the workplace, my company has put up signs that say: CAUTION. OPEN DOORS SLOWLY ... My best time so far is 7 min.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
That awkward moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the hot water ran out.