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Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
At any given time, my wallet is worth more than it’s contents.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job? Me: Yeah, can I have it?
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think "that`d be a great name for my new baby!"
Whenever someone says to me “Things could be worse” I punch them in the face and say “Like that?”
YouTube is so addicting, I click on a music video and next thing you know I`m watching how to make ice cream.
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
I used to eat natural food, until I heard people were dying of natural causes
You`ll notice you never see sweatpants with "Classy" written across the butt.
I think my other three stove burners are becoming jealous of front-right.
Hello? HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet but you sent me a printer.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.