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A good husband is like a bra. He should be supportive and help support your burdens, but mostly he`s just there to touch your boobs.
Why does the need to pee intensify by million when you are trying to unlock the door to your house.
If you cry loudly enough at a Walmart everyone will just assume you work there.
"Don`t make me regret this." -things I think when accepting a friend request.
Zebras are just horses that escaped from prison.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Based on commercials, every single car has won car of the year.
If someone says you`re not a mermaid, don`t talk to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity in your life.
Just saw a car at McDonalds take 4 tries to get lined up in a parking space. I`m not judgmental, so I won`t assume what sex she was.
Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourself
The most frustrating thing about watching Nascar is that they never signal
Just started a new exercise program where I put on a gorilla mask and chase a random toddler through Costco.
How long are Winnie the Pooh and Tigger going to ignore the fact there`s something seriously wrong with Eeyore