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I hope Mexico doesn`t raise the cost of Tequila to pay for this wall.
My favorite coffee in the morning is the one where no one talks to me while I drink it.
Sadly no matter how hard you try, you can`t mail a fart. Too bad though, because this would actually make paying Bills a lot more fun.
The loudest possible way to open a bag of chips is to try and do it quietly.
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong...
If anyone ever tells you your dreams are silly, remember there`s a millionaire walking around that invented the pool noodle.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
I may be crazy but I say if you can`t talk to yourself, who can you talk to.
If my memory gets any worse I`ll be able to plan my own surprise party.
when god was giving out brains....you must have miss heard for trains..and missed your bugger
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more
Alcohol – The best night time: slurring, headache, dehydration, drink spilling, charm killing, so you think you can dance “medicine.”