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I hate it when I walk through a metal detector, and my abs of steel set it off.
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
Anyone that says I`m a lover not a fighter has clearly never been in a relationship over 6 months
You need a high five, in the face, with a chair.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I like to follow random families around Disneyland for a day and just be in the background of all their photos.
All I ask for is a chance to prove money can`t make me happy.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Finally in bed. No better time to start thinking about every possible thing that has or ever could happen.
I`m kind of like Hugh Hefner. Only without the mansion, the exotic cars, the girls, the magazine and the money. Basically, I`m just a guy in a bathrobe.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
It’s a status….not your diary…
She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found `mute` by now.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio.....What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the Earth?