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I swear my cat was an alarm clock in a previous life...
The phrase “Don’t take this the wrong way.” has a zero percent success rate.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
In my defense, I was left un-supervised...
John has 35 candy bars. If John eats 27 of them what does he have? .... Diabetes. John has diabetes.
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk. Ducks don’t talk.
Do you remember that creepy guy who stood behind you on a train 6 years ago and was smelling your hair? Hi!
Did the Baha Men ever find their dogs? Did they put up posters or just sing that song?
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
Being an adult is mostly being exhausted, wishing you hadn`t made plans, and wondering how you hurt your back.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.
Me, a morning person? Pfft. Most days I`m not even an afternoon person.
My goal today is to turn actions into thoughts.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
Going to make pizza for dinner!! Ingredients Required: Phone, Menu & Credit Card.. Ohhh I can smell it cooking already!! ;)