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Have a day. That`s about as inspirational I get.
You`d think my neighbors could have the decency to ignore me back.
I wonder how many people`s phones out there have my name saved in contacts as "DO NOT ANSWER"
If my psychiatrist said "There`s really nothing more I can do for you", that means I`m cured right??
You know it´s going to be a bad day when your horoscope starts with.. "Are you sitting down?"
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
The "I got your nose" game is fun to play with kids, but try it on the pharmacist at Target & she`ll call security.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
My girlfriend left a note on the fridge, "It`s not working. I cant take it anymore, I`m going to moms" I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold, WTF is she talking about?
The more I drink the better my Idea`s seem to get.
Gee I wish I could push the envelope... But it`s stationary.
I find that some of the best jokes are the ones that drag you in slowly and then leave you waiting in antici...
I love sleeping, but I never want to go to bed early.
My favorite in-laws are the ones that don`t exist.
Burglars must love "My Family Stickers". They can wait in front of someone`s house, count the people that leave, and know if they have a dog or not...