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Okay, let’s get this straight. There’s no way everone here has the best boyfriend in the world.
I`ve just borrowed a book on surgery from my local library. Apparently someone`s taken the appendix out.
Trying to learn Mandarin Chinese but the amount of money I`m spending on fortune cookies is getting ridiculous.
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
I was going to LIKE and compliment your FB pic, but I`m not a good liar.
Alcohol doesn`t make you fat, it makes you lean..........against tables, chairs, walls, and garbage cans.
Do the other settings on the washer actually do anything?
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
Humpty Dumpty was pushed I tell ya. PUSHED!!!!!!
I love my six pack abs so much that I cover them with a layer of fat .
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
Whenever I want a klondike bar I just pay for it.
Bill Gates: A billi a billi a billi JayZ: Half billi half billi half billi Lil Wayne: A milli a milli a milli Me: A dollar a dollar a dollar