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Big shout out to all the spiders not building their webs at face level.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
You are wasting your time reading this status.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses...
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
A Slinky is a great way to teach young children that it`s fun to push things down the stairs.
Give a man a jacket, and he will stay warm when he goes outside. Teach a man to jack it, and he won`t go outside at all.
How can I be expected to make life choices when I still use my fingers to count?
Madonna is 55 her boyfriend is 22. Tina Turner is 75 her boyfriend is 40. JLo is 42 her boyfriend is 26. Still single? Relax. Your boyfriend hasn`t been born yet.
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
What if oxygen makes our voice really deep, and Helium just brings it back to normal?
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
I’m trying to read a book about how to relax, but I keep falling asleep
I don’t know who or what is doing it, but one day I will find the thing that continues to steal one sock and destroy it.
President Donald Trump will sign an executive order tomorrow to bring back Pluto as a planet. Make the universe GREAT again.