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I`m amazed at how much better my life has been since the iOS 7 update. I bet it would be even better if I owned an iPhone.
My life is like a romantic comedy expect there’s no romance and it’s just me laughing at my own jokes
My kids keep bugging me about dinner, even after I keep telling them I already ate.
Saying you like one political party over another, is like saying one filthy whore is prettier than the other filthy whore.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
You are by far my smartest and best looking friend on Facebook.
I was at the pool today and tried to sneak a quick pee in the deep end. The lifeguard must have seen me. He blew his whistle so loud that I almost fell in.
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Just got back from a job fair. Very disappointed. They didn`t have one damn ride.
This drag race is not at all what I expected. Are they in dresses inside of the cars, at least?
The Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria`s secret around the house.
If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.
I saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as "grabbing for swirling dollars inside a Plexiglas Cash Cube."
There`s not much more gratifying than seeing a chick who thinks she`s super hot trip on her high heels.
"I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone" -girls who can`t figure out boyfriend`s passwords