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Sometimes, numbers are the only thing you can truely count on.
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
I wonder if one day somebody will knock on my door and say to me, “Hey ,we have 7 mutual friends in Facebook; may I come in?"
I like pressing F5. It`s so refreshing.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
If your camel toe looks like a elephants hoof, you might want to rethink the yoga pants.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger. So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex`s car.
Tip for women; All men really want is to be close to someone who will leave them the hell alone.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed helicopter pilot give me a call. . .
Wow, I haven`t seen you since the last time I wish I hadn`t seen you
If you can´t read this, you´re illiterate.
You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
Best thing to do when you`re stuck in a group text is to to throw your phone in the street and start a new life and maybe get some chipotle
I bought a book called `How to become an expert at Origami`. So far, I`ve made 1000 paper snowballs.