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If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek.
Ahhhh, bad credit…the best identity theft protection.
A night of insomnia is usually followed by a morning of browser history clearing
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
You`d think that with as much time as women spend looking at their butt in the mirror they would be able to parallel park.
I try to avoid trouble but I think it likes me.
I don’t need your attitude. The voices in my head are enough
The wife and I just got divorced. We split the house ... I got the outside.
The wife almost caught me browsing on Facebook, but I quickly clicked over to a porn site. That was close.
My ex has had a really hard time moving on. From what I can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
I think New York has reached the point where it can finally be called York.
Cops are allowed to tell women they have the right to remain silent, but when I do it I wind up with a fork in my leg.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
People always ask me, where do I come up with my status`, do I make them up, or do I get them from the internet.. Truth is people. I use Status Enhancing Drugs.