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I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"
If my superpower was to be able to stop time, I`d totally use it to take a nap without people noticing.
Got an awesome watch for my birthday. It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it already.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
On the first day of school, I tell all my students to rip up their textbooks ..then I leave before their REAL teacher arrives.
My doctor prescribed me xanax instead of birth control pills I asked for. Now I have 9 kids, but I don`t care.
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
You had me at, "we`ll make it look like an accident."
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
My blind neighbor sure does take his dog on a lot of walks...
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
Spring cleaning: The term that gives us an excuse to only clean once a year.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
am feeling lazy......... jst like the guy who desighned the Japannese flag
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?