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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
So, all theses years I thought it was the dyer making my shirts not fit. now I`m pretty sure it the refrigerator.
I am not the same person at 8am and 8pm.
All I’ve ever wanted from life was to be a disturbance in the force.
Always remember, it`s better to arrive late than to arrive ugly.
i hope your life is as long and useful as this roll of toilet paper!!!
Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
Why is it the less money someone makes the better they are at reproducing?
Government Shutdown: Day Three Jellystone Park still closed. Still no pic-a-nic baskets. Yogi stares at Boo-Boo... Boo-Boo looks tasty.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
My daughter said, "You`re the best mommy ever!" I`m really proud that she`s learning sarcasm at such a young age.
I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.
Ever notice that no one ever has three cats? They either have one or two cats, then it jumps to 17.
The best part of being a kid is probably saying, f*ck it. I`m going to be Spider-Man today.