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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
Not quite feeling myself today. I`m going to see if booze helps...
Make fun of George Bush all you want, but he would have found a way to bomb North Korea before they shut down Hollywood.
Hillybilly Word Of The Day.."Twerk"..."Welp, I`m done with lunch so I`d better get back twerk!"
I tried jogging this morning, but the alcohol kept spilling out of my glass, f&ck that.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
Is it bad when I’m talking to myself and I’m not even listening?
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker? Now they just mean that you`re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Sometimes, half your sh!t is worth it.
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
Scariest Moment: Flushing the toilet at someone else’s house, and seeing the water rise…