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Who else has dropped the phone on their face while laying in bed reading Facebook?
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I`d choke to death swallowing it.
My friend works at the morgue and apparently tonight is open mike night.
Whoever is controlling me sucks at this game.
I believe in love at first episode.
It must be annoying for nudists when they have to clean their glasses
Sometimes I post crazy shit just to see if my friend`s list will drop a few #`s
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
Look in the mirror and tell me that God does not have a sense of humor.
I`m holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
I took a sexual harassment course today, I think this is actually something I might be pretty good at
I shake my bottled water so the H`s & O`s are evenly distributed.
Was up all night wondering, why do people compliment me for having all my sh!t together & yet still insult me for being full of it?
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.