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Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna´ be a great day.
It’s not that I don’t want kids, it’s just that I don’t want a minivan.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
I think it’s funny when dogs hide under the bed when they’re scared. I’m like “you idiot, that’s the first place monsters go!”
Shouldn`t the Air and Space museum be empty?
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
"Don`t try this at home"...Okay, i`ll try it at my friend`s house..
I am Looking for a Bank which can offer me these Two Services..... .Give me a Loan & then Leave me aLone. :)
LIFE always offers you a second chance,its called TOMORROW
It seems like the ‘L’ in my luck has been replaced with an ‘F’.
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
If I was famous I would just knock on peoples doors and be like ... Hello, yes it`s me.