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Give Me A Minute While I Pretend To Care!
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
I consider my body less of a temple and more of a ruin.
I know you think you´re interesting because you have an accent. But a drunken slur is not an accent.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
Before Walmart, you had to buy a ticket to the fair to see a bearded woman.
I like to make up words just to keep my auto correct in check.
75% of my current net worth is in gift cards.
I would’ve slept my way to the top years ago if it actually involved sleeping.
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
When my dog sniffs another dog’s poop I can only assume that it’s their equivalent to checking a friend’s facebook page.
There is a 99.9% chance I am hungry.
Went to Walmart yesterday and bought me a new toilet brush, I think I am gonna go back to using paper, it is much more gentle on the netherlands........