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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
Chocolate is a flavor of milk, and milk is a flavor of chocolate.
3 shots of vodka can erase 8 hours of rage in 15 minutes. That’s all the math you really need to know.
Girl: What`s the plan, get me drunk and take advantage of me. Boy: Good, you`ve done this before
I don`t play sports, the only sport I play is shopping. But there`s a lot of walking involved in that. Running sometimes if there`s a sale.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
Right before I die, my last words will be, "I left a million dollars in the........
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
Had a nice, relaxing weekend. I now have ample energy to hate Monday and most of Tuesday.
I imagine a world where whining on Facebook is illegal.
One time at the beach this guy was swimming in the ocean yelling, "help! shark! help! " I just laughed, I knew that shark was not going to help him.
So far, I am 100% at believing what happened next on Facebook links.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
I wish they all could be Jerry Springer girls.
If pigs really could fly I bet their wings would taste delicious.