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You`re so dumb you have to get naked to count to 21.
For all of you who gossip about me: Thanks for making me the center of your world.
My business card is just a label I peeled off a beer bottle.
When all else fails… Pizza & Beer.
Imagine how much faster Olympic sprinters could run if they saw their wives going through their phones at the finish line
Still waiting for the moment when there will be a "add to wishlist" button on people`s facebook profile !!
Of course I`m using OJ as a mixer, it`s flu season.
Artificial intelligence is a wonderful thing. I told my computer that today is my birthday, and it said that I needed an upgrade.
When I have to make a difficult decision in life I think what would grandma do, then I leave home in my nightie & shout at random strangers.
A Relationship is like poker, if you don`t have a partner you better have a good hand.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
The fastest way to being happy is to make other people happy. You go first.
Today has been approved by both my middle fingers.