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The hardest part of the job interview is knowing the best moment to lean in for the kiss.
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
I got up at 7:00 this morning .. lather rinse repeat ... How long do you have to do this for?
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
People who say they sleep like a baby usually dont have one
Every once in a while I check up on people I hate to make sure I still hate them… I do.
I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn`t where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
I think we`ll be friends forever because we`re too lazy to find new friends.
boss- "You cant drink while your at work!" .. me- "Oh dont worry im not working!!"
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
If I ever get off this couch, I’ll be unstoppable.
Do you know what I hate worse than people? Groups of people.
Because it`s the season to give thanks, I would just like to say....you`re welcome.