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I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist....
There are many different ways one can save energy, but my favorite by far is this recliner.
It`s hard to diet when your favorite exercise is chewing...
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
"Mail your packages early so the Post Office can lose them in time for Christmas."
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
I know it`s 3 meals a day,,,,,, But how many at night?
I know right from wrong. Wrong is the fun one.
I really want to talk to you about how I don`t want to talk to you.
Why is it called mooning when you`re actually showing uranus?
Smoke a joint before hitting a buffet to really get your money`s worth...Just saying.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
Thought I saw a kangaroo today but turned out to be a greyhound having a dump !
Years ago I asked out the girl of my dreams. Today I asked her to marry me ... She said no both times