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I don`t believe women belong in the kitchen... because men are better at that too
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
I`m gonna hang a Batman outfit in my closet to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
I exercised once, but found I was allergic to it. My skin flushed and my heart raced. I got sweaty and short of breath. Very dangerous.
I saw the city workers putting up a sign on my street and it says Bumpy road ... so I put up a sign that says ,, FIX IT !
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
Do transformers have health insurance or car insurance???
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
It´s never to late to be happy
They should`ve added "Might lose a lot of sleep" in Facebook`s terms & conditions before signing up.
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I`m proud of him, I doubt he`ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.