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“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
I’m just like everyone else: I put my straight jacket on one buckle at a time.
If men could have multiple orgasms, lotions would cost more than an iPhone.
Its never polite to ask the guy at the next table "are you done with that?" Especially when he`s breaking up with his girlfriend.
How many calories does swearing like a motherf*cker burn?
I love everyone these days... Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others, I`d love to punch in the face...
Why do we say "A word to the wise" when it`s the stupid ones who need it?
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
I might not be smarter than a 5th grader, but I can buy beer.
Why isn`t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Uhm, excuse me waiter... I`d like to return my food. It only received 5 likes on Instagram.
I`ll admit I`m not perfect but what did the horse I rode in on do?
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.