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This bartender doesn`t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
Most advanced telescopes use mirrors so we really have no way to know how many vampires are in space
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
Before Google, I averaged 220 Snapple bottles before I found the answer.
Coffee is just a hug for your insides.
I just saw a woman getting into a car the wrong way ... Through the driver’s door.
My doctor said I’m healthy enough for sex, just not attractive enough.
In about 20 years, that cherry tattoo on your cleavage is gonna look like a pair of raisins and that butterfly you got tatted on back is gonna look like a moth.
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
Whoever said "What goes around, comes around", never passed around a bag of Doritos......................
I`ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
Carrots may be good for your eyes, but alcohol will double your vision.