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LISTEN: It was sweet of you to suck the venom out of my snake bite, but if you really loved me... you would have swallowed.
The patience I have for my kids is directly proportional to the amount of people watching me.
When does hibernation start? Because I am 100% participating in that.
Make sure your goals are unattainable so you`ll feel a little better about giving up later
How do they even grow boneless chicken`s?
I am addicted to Cold Turkey. Not sure how I will ever quit that one.
I accidentally shoveled the sidewalk all the way to the bar again.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. “Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you.”
Hush little laptop don`t you cry,mumma gonna find you some more wifi.
My goal is to move just enough each day that no one pokes me to see if I`m dead.
I want it all and I want it delivered.
I wonder where superman changes now that there are no more phone booths
has a drinking problem...I can`t afford it
No matter what I get, it’s impossible not to sound like a douche when saying my order at Starbucks.