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I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
Why periods? Why can`t Mother Nature just text me and be like, "Whaddup Girl?, You ain`t pregnant. Have a great week. Talk to ya next month."
You can’t believe everything you hear, but you can repeat it.
I wish I could use Shazam to identify people when I cant remember their name.
Maybe it`s the washer and not the dryer that steals the socks.
I think I will start calling my wife "My Customer" since she is always right...
Christmas is all about getting your entire dysfunctional family under one roof, hoping the cops don`t get called and nobody gets arrested.
I`m not drunk ... But I`m working on it.
Summer: Hair gets lighter. Skin gets darker. Water gets warmer. Drinks get colder. Music gets louder. Nights get longer. Life gets better.
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
I consider "Not Dishwasher Safe" to be more of a challenge than a warning.
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
Newton`s third law of emotion. For every male action there is a female overreaction.
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.