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I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
Shout out to all the kids who could never find their name on souvenir keychains and license plates. That sh!t hurt.
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
*puts selfie on top of christmas tree because I am the star*
Question: : What do you get if you add human DNA to a goat? ... Answer: Kicked out of the petting zoo
My credit score is just a picture of me crying in the front yard of a nice house.
I just came online to check the weather. That was 12 years ago.
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
Teacher: Why are you late!? Me: There was a man who lost a $100 bill..Teacher: That’s nice. Were you helping him look for it? Me: No, I was standing on it until he f*cked off.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
that awkward moment when you`re alone somewhere and trying to take a picture of yourself.
I have a drinking problem. When I tilt my head back to take a drink, I can’t see my computer screen.