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Making everyone happy is impossible. But pissing them off is a piece of cake. I really like cake.
I`m one more weekend on the couch away from being a throw pillow.
I thought I was having déjà vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
The funniest thing about this Facebook status is by the time you realize it doesn`t say anything important, it`s to late for you to stop reading it ... sucker
Sir, your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
It turns out if you cry at the DMV they`ll let you take a second photo
When you are dead, you don’t know you are dead but other people do. The same applies when you are stupid.
If you people knew how expensive, time consuming and hard this stalking stuff is you wouldn`t freak out every time you see me in your bushes.....geesh
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
Trix commercials just teach kids that sharing is bad.
I recently added squats to my workouts by moving the beer into the bottom shelf of the fridge.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"