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It hurts to be in love. Oh wait, I`m sitting on my keys.
I tried to log in on my ipad. Turns out it was an Etch-a-Sketch and I don`t own an ipad. Also, I`m out of vodka.
Quite honestly, Officer, I wouldn`t have even pulled over had I known all you were going to do was criticize my driving.
He turned to her, ran his hand up her thigh, across her belly and down her legs. When he turned back to watch TV, she asked "Why stop?" "I found the remote!" he replied.
No one appreciates the special genius of your conversation like the dog does
Life should be more like hockey. When someone pisses you off, you just beat the sh!t out of them then sit in a penalty box for 5 minutes.
People keep asking me what my resolutions are, like they can`t see I`m already perfect...
I wish we could donate body fat to those in need.
You know what’s worse than slow internet? NOTHING.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
Warning: I just get weirder.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Leaving your window open for an hour and the cast from f*cking Bugs Life decided to start producing their second movie.
is having one of those days where they feels like lighting someones face on fire and then trying to put it out with a fork
So many Jehovah`s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah`s Evidence.